Loneliness at its worst - II

Well, it seems every Monday, I am going through this mental turbulent, another spell of depression and loneliness. Ideally, it should have got better with time, but obviously it has not as I am writing this. I know, I am or say we are, not the only ones falling under this category where husband and wife live separately during weekdays. Falling economy has demanded such things from lot many people and still I would say we are in far better condition than others, at least we can see each other in weekends.



They say you have to pay for your deeds – here and now. And I guess, this is the punishment I am getting for going to India and leaving him behind all alone. Sometimes, it gets too difficult. For example, today I was working from home and did not happen to talk to a soul in person. Not even simple hello or even a smile. We are here for more than 3 years and both of us are quite social and outgoing people, still we could not build that kind of relationship with any friends or relatives. Probably, this is a normal scenario for people here but we are not accustomed to it. Now, I am so desperate that I am ready to leave anything and everything behind just to be with him. It has been just a week and we will have to be like this at least for another month
:(

May God bless us with strength, courage and power…..

May God forgive me

These days my husband stays away during weekdays because of job. Obviously, I feel miserable during weekdays. Though Monday to Thursday, it is somehow manageable, but Friday it seems as if clock is stuck. Particularly after 5 o’ clock, it becomes difficult to kill 4-5 hours. This last Friday, anyway he started late, around 6 and I was just praying and hoping that he should not face any traffic problems. Luckily, he crossed all major traffic areas quite easily and within 4 hours he was 15 minutes away from home. When I called him, he said there is a little congestion on route 1. I was bit surprised since it was almost 10 and generally that area is always clear. Upon asking, he told me that some people were holding a memorial service for a lady who died in an accident at the very same spot couple of days ago.

I was so desperate to see him that just for a fraction of a second I was mad at those people. I was like, she is already dead so why to create traffic jam and put other people in trouble? And then I was feeling so guilty. It was a fatal accident and a day care assistant in her early twenties died on the spot. That must be a huge loss for her family. Because of congestion, probably I would see him in 20 minutes instead of 10, but her family and friends would never be able to see her again. She was quite young, just started her life. How could I even think like that? How could I become so ruthless? May her soul rest in peace and may almighty give strength to her loved ones to bear this loss.

I am in "foreign" country

It was Friday, the Friday with long awaiting evening, late dinner and then long night. The only thing I would ask for is peaceful sleep of 7-8 hours since Saturday is my only day off. We retired to bed around midnight and suddenly around 2 o’ clock both of us were up. Reason? The head banging music and drink party at next door. And this was not something new. If weather is good, every weekend night in summer ends up like this and our reaction? Curse them and change the place to sleep. But this time it was unbearable and I was so mad that either I would call 911 or go down and request them to keep it low. It was just an impulsive reaction though. Later I thought cool headedly, I felt scared of doing any such thing.

Here in America, even for small trivial matters people call 911. To expect freedom and get respect is your basic right. Being here for little over 3 years, I have tried embracing American traditions and culture to whatever extent possible. We always try to keep good balance between India and America. And here, WE stand for all immigrants like me. Still when time came to complain or fight against something, which is unjust, I got scared. What if they do some harm to me, especially when I am alone during weekdays? I would not have given second thought before doing so in India. In fact, I have done it quite many times in train between Mumbai and Ahmedabad. Why did I have those uncomfortable, scary feelings? Answer is, probably this is a foreign place and will always remain foreign!!

Loneliness at its worst

It’s just about 16 hours since he left but it seems like ages. Even though I had quite a busy day, so many times I felt as if clock has stopped. Now from Monday to Friday, I just have to pass the days. We both knew that this day would come and we were indeed happy for his new job, new beginning. But when time comes to actually face it, your rational and practical thinking goes in vein and we are no exception.

We both decided not to cry and let emotions overrule us. And at least, I kept that promise, somewhat, so far. To be frank, it was not as half bad as lat time. May be because weather is good and also this time if project sounds little promising, we are determined to move there.

Today whole day it was raining like anything and hence I did not go anywhere. So my loneliness was amplified. For every couple of hours, I am setting some little milestones, just make clock run faster or at least I think so! In a way, I am feeling bit relaxed since last couple of weeks was literally brainstorming sessions about our future plan. Now at least, as ball has started rolling, things will fall into place soon.

I am back to my normal routine since when he is around all I do is making fun of him and getting pampered. I hope this new beginning is a good omen for us and may be a signal to expand our family. Though only time can say what lies ahead. Wish us luck…